


if only we could touch the stars, we would burn and die together in the moonlight while all the world turned to ash and wh

by ammehsuor



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, Dirty Talk, Major Lobster Death, implied shuake, spoilers for p5r third semester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:20:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26702056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ammehsuor/pseuds/ammehsuor
Summary: The thieves are just hangin' around while Joker waits for his package.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	if only we could touch the stars, we would burn and die together in the moonlight while all the world turned to ash and wh

**Author's Note:**

> for the love of the lord please note that this is a crack fic. it's a parody and also garbage. i am probably capable of more decent things but rn i just don't feel like it. have fun

It was another beautiful sunset at Leblanc during their latest Phantom Thieves meeting. Yusuke brought his lobsters along this time, wanting to use them as inspiration for his latest art piece, but Ryuji had to yank them away when Yusuke started drawing realistic depictions of five-course lobster dinners, complete with melted butter and mashed potatoes.  
"Dammit dude, I'm sick of this!" Ryuji for-realed, limping over to the private stove before Sojiro could stop him and throwing the sea creatures into the boiling vat of curry sauce. "You wanna spend your pathetic pittance on those things, your ass is getting your money's worth."  
As the lobsters sizzled, Ryuji sat back down, nodding at Sojiro, who said resignedly, "Dinner's in 30 minutes. I'm closing up shop at 3 p.m. because I don't care, so please don't have any sex while I'm gone and lock up the shop and cut the phone wires because I don't want any men leaving messages on my voicemail." He tipped his fedora on the way out, bell ringing behind him.  
"No promises," Akira called. He winked at Goro, who proceeded to spit in the leader's coffee right in front of God and everyone.  
"Hot," Akira observed. "So guys. What's next?"  
"I'd personally like AKECHI-kun to put his erection away," said Haru, chewing loudly on shards of her glass teacup. The crow glared sharper than his gauntlets and his witty tongue and his sense of self hatred and his big bread knife sword before folding up his giant honking meat like a cinnamon roll and stuffing it back into his pants.  
"Sick of people calling you a bottom, dude. You could knock out King Kong with that if you swung it hard enough," Ryuji scoffed.  
"I could and I have," Goro said and nobody asked any questions.  
Joker brought everyone's attention back to the matter at hand with a new calling card. It was red and black and had words all over, and if Ann could read she was sure it would say something really good. (A/N my boyfriend said to not be mean to Ann so I'm sorry Ann. I do love her)  
"Wow, this is fucking ugly," Futaba said. "Throw it in with the lobsters."  
"I refuse to let you sully their soup." Yusuke grabbed the card, tears running down his cheeks. "This is a beautiful card. I think Maruki will like it a lot."  
Goro sighed through wide nose holes. "If he does I'll gut him like a fish."  
"Okay, cool." Akira rolled up the card the way Goro had rolled his cock, lacking the expertise and precision but making up for it with passion, and tied it to Morgana's tail to use him as a carrier pigeon. "Giddyup."  
Morgana, not able to decide whether he hated the thought of being a cat or a horse or a pigeon more, trotted on out the door and had a distant buried fear that Goro and Akira were literally about to have sex as soon as he was out of view but that's not gonna happen yet because other people are still in the cafe and I didn't wanna end it here.  
"Alright then," said Kasumire, teetering on the edge of a continuously fraying identity crisis. "Senpai, senpai, sempai, senpai, senpai, sempai, sempai, and Futaba-chan… I think we've got this down to a science. Let's call it a night."  
"There's no science allowed in this world until I'm sure Maruki isn't behind any of it," Akira said protectively and loudly. Goro started crying in the corner of his eye until Akira realized that he'd helped himself to some of the lobster curry and put in too much chili paste.  
"Fuck Yusuke, your pets taste like shit," Goro said. Futaba gave him a high five. He didn't return it so she just ended up slapping him on the head instead and everyone was real quiet for a couple minutes.  
"I agree with Yoshizawa-san," Ann said. "Let's all go to a dessert buffet!"  
"Haha level up," Futaba cheered.  
So then Ryuji and Yusuke and Haru and Ann and Futaba and Kasumire and I think that's all of them said their goodbyes before taking home a serving of soup in some of those Tupperware containers that get all stained from pasta sauce or some shit and it's kind of sus but you just have to accept that they're technically clean. (Yusuke took 2 servings.) (Also, Makoto was there.)  
"Well then, attic trash dwelling virgin," Akechi said, grabbing Ren by the shoelaces. "I bet you'd look good tied to the streetlamp outside with these bad boys."  
"I have ones with football and baseball prints on 'em that I got from a dollar store back home," Ren winked.  
"You just don't get it, do you?" Goro shivered uncontrollably. "I'm fucked up. I have a lot of fucked up thoughts and feelings and I promise smacking your dick around like a limp pickle is the tamest of them all. Why aren't you scared of me? Why aren't you disgusted by me, Akiren?!"  
The protagonist flipped their sexy positions and somehow Goro was on the floor now with his hair fanned out real big like a halo if devils were allowed to wear halos.  
"Because that big meat of yours," he whispered, "is gonna need this limp pickle if you wanna make a sandwich worth eating."  
Goro groaned like he was being shocked in the electric chair and all common sense was leaving his body and I just wanna ask real quick why nobody ever focuses on how sexy back muscles are? Like Goro is canonically fucking ripped? He boulders? Do you even know what the fuck that is? That's rock climbing without the ropes because you're too swole to need them. Focus more on the back muscles please, people, I feel like I'm in the desert here. So anyway his back muscles flexed a lot which would be really cool except he's on the floor so you can't even see them, never mind, and Akira took his lips off in a biting kiss that left pinpricks of blood all over the floorboards. Their tongues and limbs battled for dominance in a fierce and poetic dance. Picture two worms really going after it except both of them just did a really long line of coke EACH.  
"God, you're a hot piece of ass," Ren whispered. "I'm gonna splatter my syrup all over your pancakes."  
"Do it, then, you fucking coward," Goro moaned. "Show me what Denny's really means when they call it a Grand Slam."  
Akira made good and gave those pancake puppies a cream cheese filling before Morgana came in.  
"Maruki wasn't really happy to be bothered in prison. He said he just wants you kids to leave him alone until he's on parole," the cat meowled. "I'm going to pretend I don't even know what a boob is so you two can get your clothes on and call it a night." He walked past and looked over at the doorway before running up the stairs.  
"Your delivery from the shopping channel is here."  
Akira pulled his dick out immediately and ran over to the parcel, cool wind chilling his sweat away. He tore into the paper and held up the contents.  
"Look, honey. It's my first date outfit!"  
Goro took one glance at the shirt with a horse for a sleeve and shook his head.  
"I love you, you stupid baka. Now go put that on and let's go to Denny's for real."

Ren doesn't think he's ever been happier in his life, and he's probably wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> unfortunately i'm obligated to show you the sweater
> 
> https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ca/e0/a5/cae0a5e18e0e1fa4d13b2f118d40f8b3.jpg
> 
> take care gamers


End file.
